There has been something I have been chasing for a while now. I mean, I guess I have been chasing this since I was old enough to grasp what made any Disney princess movie so special. LOVE, some fairytale feeling that has been pushed so far down my throat, that I feel like its the only thing I'm sure I want or need from this life.
Disney movies teach you that love can come in all forms, and if it’s any type of “love” you should cherish it because its “love” nonetheless. I get it, don’t be so shallow and closed minded right? Sure that’s a valuable lesson but its a very thin and dangerous line some girls like me, find themselves crossing a little too often.
Its very embarrassing for me to admit but I’m 23 and my biggest love was a fucking lie. Ok, that's maybe a little dramatic but it basically wasn’t as grand as I had made it out to be in my head. After 6 years, I took off those rose colored glasses, that I placed on my own face, and saw my “grand” love for what it really was.. toxic and disappointing. That’s a tough pill to swallow, your biggest heartbreak to date was caused by a grand love that wasn’t even real.
Why though? Why did I endure so much bullshit? Because it was “love” nonetheless?
I told you, a dangerously thin line.
A TOUGH PILL TO SWALLOW
I feel like I missed out on something honest and I can’t help but only want that. I want it more now than ever before. If my “grand” love was a lie, I can only imagine how much more grand a real love will feel. Alright, so I know I really want this but now what? I really didn’t make much progress, I’ve known I wanted this fairytale feeling. So much so, that I made this liar boy into my knight in shining armor. I’m just saying, giving up this universally valuable Disney movie lesson is a whole lot easier said than done, ok?
The time and everything in between, that took me to realize what exactly it is that I want.. wasn’t as easy as I just made it seem. Obviously, I had to go through the 6 years of bullshit, the turmoil of accepting a big part of my life was a lie, and then going about life like I had everything figured out. When in reality, I feel this looming emptiness inside me that I walk around with everyday. I didn’t acknowledge this looming emptiness until recently. In Valeria fashion, I had been suppressing it, trying to fake “it” till I made it. Made what? Wasn’t sure. Didn’t care.
Up until recently, I was keeping things light and fun with boys. I felt that the looming emptiness I’m feeling wasn't that exactly but more me growing up and letting my heart die like everyone else. I figured there’s people in life who’s sole purpose is meant to be in love and no matter how much I want that to be my purpose, it just wasn’t.
…
There are people that get thrown into our lives sometimes without any warning but with a very specific purpose. This person was recently put in my life to help me answer a very important question. A question I had been suppressing for too long. He opened my eyes to what I want and what I was allowing to get in the way of that. (Sincerely, if you're reading this, thank you.)
...
THE PROBLEM
I had never thought I would find myself in this type of situation. I always imagined I would be the one opening up my relationship to other people as a power move. I’d have to be the upmost secure in my relationship for that to ever happen. Only if I knew that the person I was exclusive with would die for me, would I ever risk letting other people in. If and when that happened, it was expected to be far into the future because lets face it, I can’t even manage to find real love now..
So, you can only imagine what a loop I was thrown into when a married man pursued me too essentially be his girlfriend in his polyamorist marriage. In the grand scheme of the beginning of 2020, my world was shook. In the moment though, when I was first told these were his intentions.. I bolted. I said, “Sorry, no. I don’t want to be the side bitch.”
At this point, I'm sure it's my big ol’ ego that won’t let me consider this man’s proposal. I am not anyones side bitch. I don’t ever want to be the side bitch. I am the main course baby. I am what people drove miles to come and see.. and I really want to stand by that.
Oh, but was he persistent! I’ll be the one to say it, persistence = effort. Effort means enough interest to put forward the effort and, I’m being very honest when I say; someone showing that much interest in anyone IS very flattering. Also, I love to be chased. So is some egotistical bitch like myself just going to let all of his effort go unnoticed?
UH, NO.
His effort could not go unnoticed. He made a whole ass playlist.. (listening to it as I write this)
LIKE, do you know how much I love Nick and Norah’s infinite playlist? How much teenage Val yearned for Michael Cera to make her a playlist? My love language is grand gestures, and I can’t ignore something as personal as a playlist. A perfect, personally curated playlist. I didn’t know one song on the playlist before listening to it but had it constantly on repeat once I did.
I was swooned, falling hard, and quite frankly, I have never wanted to suck someones dick so bad before in my life.
The problem is that he’s married. I’ve already mentioned how I don’t want to be the “side bitch.” Then there’s the “grand” love I want so badly. I chewed him out prior to the playlist making. I was very upset with the fact that he couldn’t respect my wants. I don’t want to fall madly in love with a married man. POINT BLANK. Could he just stop pursuing me? CAN A GIRL JUST HAVE AN HONEST, PURE, OLD FASHION MONOGAMIST LOVE?? Seriously, I feel like I damn well deserve it after that liar boy situation turned out to be a joke.
THE BREAKTHROUGH
This liar boy really doesn't deserve anymore of my attention but I have to acknowledge how much he affected me. He stole a very important part of my teenage girl life. As I’m typing this, I imagine him reading this and being like, “Bitch you were fucked up when I met you.” And his hypothetical remark wouldn't be wrong. I met him during a very dark time in my life. My innocence had already been stolen but that’s not what I feel like he took from me. He was supposed to be the guy that proved the existence of men who steel innocence from girls wrong. I realize now how wrong it is to put that much pressure on a teenage boy, even if they did gaslight me into believing they were that guy in my life.
The saddest part of that whole situation was me sticking around when I was very aware of everything wrong with him. That was when it hit me, I have this looming emptiness in me that I want nothing more than to fill. I want what I feel was taken from me. No, CONTINUES to be taken away from me.. because of toxic Disney movie story lines.
IN CONCLUSION
I can tell that so far I have been victimizing myself. No one put a gun to my head every time I went back to liar guy, or polyamorist guy. Still, hear me out. I am constantly battling a habit, a universal Disney movie lesson habit.
People pay so much money to go to Disney theme parks because of this Fairytale feeling we have all bought into. If people all over the world can’t help but waste all of their money at these theme parks then why are you expecting me to kick this dumb ass habit so easily?
Can’t you see? I have been brainwashed by kissing frogs, hunchbacks from Noter Dame, and bitches in yellow dresses falling in love with beasts. If Prince Charming can love poor ass Cinderella then why can’t I be ok with a really nice married man pursuing me.. right?
In conclusion, I hope the beautiful people reading this completely disagree with that last sentence. I hope you guys disagree because you want more for me just like I want more myself. The “grand love” concept is subjective but my concept of a grand love is ideal. If that’s what I want, then so be it. I don’t want to be 60 and feel like I settled, stuck in a relationship I don’t find ideal because of a dumb Disney movie mentality.
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